I can't believe this is happening again

Beta #2 is not good. We were aiming for 280 and it is only 122. Which means since Thursday it hasn't even doubled. The doctor says its either a lost twin or another miscarriage. Isn't it fucked up that I am desperately hoping its the former?

I go back on Wednesdsay. Though my guess is Wednesday's results will be inconclusive and I will have to go back on Friday. The doctor said I could wait till Friday as that would be more definitive and I said I couldn't wait.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKK.

So nervous for beta #2 today

The blood has been drawn for beta #2 and now the waiting begins. I watched the lady enter the requisition into the system and I think she put priority elevated instead of stat. Which means I may not hear until later this afternoon.

How I am feeling about the results depends on the minute. My boobs are somewhat sore though not excrutiatingly so as I hear some people describe. I have waves of nausea but it is not consistent. The AF like cramps have diminished. I still have them 2-3 times per day but not like I was last week.

I really wish I didn't have to work today.I have a lot to do but I know I will not be able to concentrate.

I will be back later to share the results. Please oh please oh please be above 250!!!

1st beta is partially in!

My first beta (14dpiui) is 70! While that is not the highest number in the world it is double my level during the cycle I miscarried.

My second beta is not until Monday, which seems like a long time away. By my calculations I should have two doublings occur by Monday. 48 hours would be Saturday so then my level should be 140ish. A second 48 would be Monday making my levels 280ish.

So 280 is my new fixating point!

I say the results are partially in because for some reason the progesterone levels are not available yet. I am on suppositories anyway so I guess its not a big deal.

Anyway, the idea that this PG could be healthy survives another day...

No I am not witholding the beta results...grrr

I missed the damn call from the doctors office yesterday. On Thursdays the infertility nurse is out and I always have tests/procedures on that day! The person who fills in just isn't as responsive (probably because she has other responsibilities and is just filling in). I waited all day and she finally called at 5:11 but I was on a conference call so I missed it.

I really want to know my number! I know its over 5 (meaning I am pregnant) but given what happened in May, I am hoping for a high-ish number to put my mind at a little ease.

I am going to call as soon as I get in to work and leave a message for them to call me ASAP. Of course I am interviewing job candidates all morning.

Please please please let this one stick!!!

2ww is over tomorrow!

My first beta is tomorrow morning (16dpt/14dpiui). I have tested twice at home. Yesterday there was a faint line, so faint it could have been evap. So today I tested with a digital and it says PREGNANT!!

While this is great news, this is also the same pattern as my last quasi-successful cycle where I ended up miscarrying. I have almost no symptoms aside from AF-like cramps and headaches which is exactly what I usually get when AF is about to visit.

I am keeping my fingers crossed for an unambiguous beta tomorrow and of course a doubling at the second beta.

Hallelujah! Thank you Colorado!

Regardless of your views on the turnout of the presidential election last night, I think most of us infertiles can rejoice in the fact that Amendent 48 was turned down in Colorado. For those of you who had not heard about this, this was the pro-life initiative to give person-status at the point of conception (i.e., embryos would be persons and entitled to all the rights we as people get in this country). I am so happy that people recognized the implications of such an initiative (or voted the way they did even if they didn't understand the implications).

Wooohoo!

IUI #1 Take 2 tomorrow!!

I triggered last night for my first IUI tomorrow. On Tuesday I had two follicles one at 22 and another at 18.5 and my e2 was 471. I am a little nervous about tomorrow but mostly excited. I am trying not to get my hopes up but if I am being honest...they are up.

I was freaking out most of the weekend because on Friday (CD13) I had such little progress. I had one 10 and one 11. I am in a wedding on Saturday and was sure that I wouldnt be ready to trigger until tomorrow making Saturday the IUI day and of course I wouldn't be able to do it. Thankfully, my ovaries kicked it into gear and I am ready now.

Wish me luck tomorrow and send any spare success vibes you have my way!

Hello IUI #1 Take #2...

Well its been a while since my last post but there really wasn't much going on during my break cycle other than work so I spared you the boring details. We have two exciting things happen during the break:

1. Our 3 year anniversary was earlier this month, exciting.
2. We went on our annual anniversary trip. This year we went to Vegas for 5 days.

Vegas was really fun and nice to get a break from work but imagine my surprise (and angst) when the very first day I start having AF spotting. I was of course freaking out that we would miss the day 3 u/s and bloodwork and have to be on another break cycle. Thankfully, the full flow waited until just the right day making our first day back, Day 3. (though due to a medical emergency of a passenger on our flight home, we were delayed in Charlotte for a day meaning I ended up missing the Day 3 appt and rescheduling for Day 4).

The Day 3 u/s and bloodwork were much better this month. My e2 was 33 (compared with 96 on day 3 last cycle). So we are all systems go for take 2 at IUI #1. My next appt is tomorrow morning for Day 10.

I of course have dragged my feet on setting up an RE appt. I just can't decide which clinic to go with. I am deciding between two: Bosto.n I.VF. and CRM at Brigham and Women's. Did any of you "interview" more than one RE/clinic??

Life goes on

Nothing much is new here. Its day 11 of my IUI-turned-break cycle so waaay to early for an action to be going on,

I am really trying to get back into my healthy routine like I was earlier this year but I am failing, I really don't know why.I think perhaps I need some counseling.

Also, I am trying to find an RE. I think its more than time to move on from the OB. While I have been pleased with the IF specialists at my OB, I would feel better going to an RE sooner. There are many options to choose from in this area, which is making the decision difficult. Do I go with one of the two big clinics? They both have a good reputation (for the most part). One is closer than the other but not by much. Or do I go with one of the smaller groups within the top hospitals? I might get more individualized attention but less flexibility on timing etc. I am also afraid they will not accept me until I lose more weight.

Choices, choices. At least I have them. I know for some of you there is only one choice and it is not always the best one.

IUI #1 canceled

Went in for CD3 bloodwork and u/s this morning. The u/s tech said I was cyst free though she could not find my left ovary. She finally (after much pain and maneuvering) found something and measured it but I am not convinced it was actually anything meaningful.

My e2 was high (though not terribly high--71) on my bloodwork and since the doctor didn't think we got a look at the left ovary they are concerned there is a cyst and want me to take a break.

I am upset of course but will manage. The thing I am most upset about is that I have no idea when my next cycle will be as without meds they can be sooo long. But I will keep my fingers crossed for less than 50 days.

I am going to focus on losing weight during the break and getting my exercising back on track. I was running 10-15 miles per week and since the m/c have run maybe 3 times total. My clothes haven't been fitting very well and I feel like crap because of all the crappy food I have been eating.

IUI #1 here we come...

Well yesterday it became official...cycle 18 was a big fat bust.

So now we will be moving on to IUI. My plan for this cycle is Clomid 100mg with an Ovidrel trigger and a single IUI on ovulation day. I am hoping for a slightly increased response to the 100mgs of Clomid this time as last cycle I only had one egg (which I know is all it takes but I wouldn't mind increasing the odds).

I am pretty sure that CD 1 will be tomorrow as I am feeling very crampy and it feels like I am spotting (though I am on a train so I am not sure about that).

Anyone who has gone through an IUI (or 2 or 6) have any advice??

Doesn't look like a birthday BFP for me

I caved and tested this morning (12dpo) rather than waiting until my birthday on Sunday. I was feeling hopeful last weekend as I was having mysterious cramping but that promptly went away and left me symptomless. So rather than be disappointed on my b-day I decided to test today and...

BFN :(

My beta is Monday and the doctor said to continue the progesterone supplements until then so i guess I will comply.

Y kept asking me last week what I want for my birthday and I was saying a positive pregnancy test. Today he said if I still wanted a positive test for my birthday he would have our friend K (7 months PG) pee on a stick for me. I had to laugh at the lengths he was willing to go to for fulfilling my birthday request (and simulataneously cry that that was the only way I was likely to actually get my request).

Anyhow, I will post again on Monday when the official beta results are in...

1 week down (almost)...

Tommorrow I will be 1/2 way done with this 2 week wait. This one is going by very slowly despite work being crazy busy.

I went in yesterday for my post-ovulation progesterone test and the numbers look great! My p4 was 30.1 which is very close to what is was on our quasi-successful cycle. Last cycle it was only 11 so I am hoping for a better outcome this time!!

I will be testing at home next Sunday (my birthday) and my beta will be Monday the 8th. Feels like forever :(

No symptoms to report. Yesterday I felt a little crampy but could be gas (hehe). I started progesterone supplements last night. Last month I had no "symptoms"/side effects of p4 (sore boobs, cramps, etc.) so I am welcoming lots this week!!

Off topic--reading fun

I have seen this "meme" on a bunch of your blogs and really wanted to go through the list to see what I have read/want to read. I am posting it here so that I have a list to come back to in a few weeks when I am buying some new books (my MIL always gives me a gift certificate to a bookstore for my birthday!).

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline (or mark in a different color) the books you LOVE

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte (one of my favorites. I made dolls in high school of all the characters for a school project!!)
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible - yeah, right. (I have never read the Bible cover to cover but I did read the Book of God which is a shortened version written to read more like a story. It was good).
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier ("I dreamt I went to Manderley again", this is the first line of this book and for some reason I have never forgotten it. It was a Jeopardy question one night and I was so excited I knew the answer!)
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell (love it, my only complaint with this book is that it ended!!)
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis (hated it...)
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis (hated it)
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown (I know some literary folks find the hype over this book obnoxious but I think its a great story and it amazes me how he was able to take such well known stories/works of art and weave such a fascinating mystery)
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery (so classic)
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood ("Dont let the bastards grind you down"! Its a great IF motto if you replace bastards with fertiles!!)
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding (a disgusting Jr High required reading)
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding (I saw the movie and read the second book but never the first)
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker (11th grade english torture reading)
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl (THIS IS MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE BOOK!!!!!!!!!!)
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Here begins the 2 week wait

So on Friday things looked good indeed with 1 follicle on the left at 21 and another at 15 (likely not mature). My estradial was 504 but LH was still low at 5.8.

I was instructed to trigger Friday night and go for gold 36 hours later (which was this morning and we are staying at my in-laws this weekend...haha).

So now the 2 weeks of complete neurosis begins. No symptoms yet...lol!

If my beta is two weeks from tomorrow then I will test the day before at home because that is my birthday! But I have a feeling my beta will be Friday the 5th.

Day 10-16 update

This cycle had a very slow start but things appear to be looking up!

CD10 U/S and Bloodwork: Here is a brief recap of the conversation (both spoken and unspoken) at the monitoring appointment...

u/s tech (in a incredulous tone): "How long are your cycles?"
Me (in a nervous uncomfortable tone): "Unmedicated they are very long, medicated they are around 32-35 days, why?"
Me in my head: "Nice to meet you too lady, you just violated me with your camera and now are freaking me out with your questions!"
u/s tech: "Honey you have a loooong way to go. I'd be surprised if I saw you back here anytime soon"
Me: "Are you seeing anything?"
Me in my head: "Sweet hey-soos, is the cycle over already"
u/s tech: "I need to finish my measurements in peace before I can tell you anything"
Me (feebly): "take your time"

Turns out while I was not as far along as most are on Day 10, the world was not ending. Results were:

Estradial: 195
LH: 6.7
Left ovary: 1 follicle at 12mm and 7 <10mm
Right ovary: 1 follicle at 11mm, 1 follicle at 10mm and 12 <10mm
Lining: 7.2

So I was instructed to go back for another "date" on Monday (CD12).

Monday I had a wonderful u/s tech who got very excited about everything she was seeing and loved to talk about what she was seeing (which was great for me!!). She said things were progressing slowly and I was a ways away from O time.

Results:
Estradial: 204
LH: 7.8
Left ovary: 1 follicle at 12.5mm and 9 <10mm
Right ovary: 1 follicle at 10.5mm, 1 follicle at 10mm and 11 <10mm
Lining: 7.3

So not much progress from Day 10...I was instructed to go back yesterday (Thursday or CD15).
At yesterdays appt, I had a third u/s tech who was right in the middle in terms of style of the two mentioned above. She was not chatty and didn't offer any real-time explanations but she would answer my questions, which was nice. And lo and behold there was some action!!

Results:
Estradial: ??? (haven't spoken to the nurse to actually get the numbers)
LH: ???
Left ovary: 1 follicle at 18.5mm
Right ovary: 2 follicle at 10mm
Lining: 10.3

I was instructed to go back this morning. I was lucky enough to get the wonderful chatty u/s tech from CD12 again!! I am still waiting on the bloodwork results but I do know this:

Left ovary: 1 follicle at 20mm, 1 follicle at 15mm (where the heck did this one come from!!)
Right ovary: 2 follicles at 10mm
Lining: 11.5

So this is exciting! I am not sure whether I will trigger tonight or go in again tomorrow but hopefully the nurse will call soon.

I'll be back with an update soon!

update

Today is day 7 so things should be quiet with respect to this cycle but I feel like they have been anything but!!

First off I had my first experience with the vag cam last Saturday. It was interesting. I felt like a pro and a rookie all at the same time. On the pro hand, I kept thinking that I would just know what to do and what I would see because I have read so many other people's experiences. Of course, in reality I was a rookie--I couldn't make out a single thing the tech was showing me.
The results came back ok though I need to do some research to find out if these are normal.
My lining was 3.7 and I had 20 very small follicles on the right and 10 on the left.
My estradial level (day 3) was 91. My quick research indicates this is on the high side. The nurse said everything was fine and to start the Clomid.

The BIGGEST fiasco thus far is that I forgot to take the frigging Clomid on Day 5!!!! I usually take it just before bed but the excitement of the Olympics threw me off and I totally forgot. I remembered at 4:30 am and of course jumped up and took it right away. I really hope that doesn't screw things up.

I go back on Saturday (day 10) for my next u/s and bloodwork. Hopefully, there will be some progress.

Thank you! and Update

Thank you VERY much for all your comments and condolences on the bust cycle. The support and advice makes this difficult journey so much more bearable. I have thought a lot over the past few days about whether getting my hopes up during a cycle is a good, bad, necessary, foolish, etc. thing to do. I haven't come to any conclusions of course. It definitely makes the negative outcomes harder but I think for me it makes the cycle as a whole easier. Of course it becomes harder and harder to think positively as times goes on.

I am feeling much better today as I spoke with my doctor and made a plan I am pleased with for this cycle. I am going to increase my Clomid to 100mg and do a monitored cycle. I will go in tomorrow morning for a CD3 ultrasound and bloodwork. Then I will go back on Day 10 and depending on the results every day or every few days after that until ovulation.

The other nice thing is that my OB uses an Infertility Center to do all the monitoring so I will get a chance to preview one of the big reproductive science centers in the area.

So tomorrow is my first date with the famous u/s wand! I will keep you all posted...

From 4 weeks PG to 0...just like that

Yesterday's digital test and this mornings beta both emphatically confirmed Cycle17 is a BIG FAT BUST.

I really had no "symptoms" this time save for the very mild cramping and extreme bloat. Except for yesterday when I managed to convince myself that the nausea I had all day was surely a good sign. In fact, I let myself get so hopeful that I tested yesterday afternoon on a digital test I had lying around. You would think the resounding NOT PREGNANT would have been enough for me to start moving on to the next cycle. But no...I convinced myself it was too early for an accurate result and that it wasn't first morning urine. Surely this morning would bring me different news...

Yeah right, all that big fat hope got me was a big fat negative beta. Hey I should look on the "bright" side...at least that means no more yucky suppositories for a few weeks...

So now the question is what to do next cycle. I think I am going to ask for a higher dose of Clomid. I know that the 50mg has worked in the sense that it causes me to ovulate (something that eludes me naturally). However, I am ovulating almost a week later than the textbook day 14. I am feeling as though it may be an egg quality issue given it is so late in the cycle.

I also have taken Clomid on CD5-9. I wonder about going with the CD3-7 cycle. Will that make me ovulate sooner? What are the downsides?

Thirdly, I will ask for monitoring. Its a really busy time for me at work and so I am a bit scared about trying to add in additional appointments. But I want to at least ask.

Finally, I am wondering whether I should find/make an appt with an RE. I figure there might be a long wait to get in and that will give me another 1-2 cycles with my OBs office. Anyone know any good REs in the Boston area?

Self-inflicted insanity for sanity!

In a moment of either complete sanity or insanity depending on how you look at it I begged the doctor to push my beta back...

I just heard from the doctor this morning about the results of my progesterone test on Friday. My levels were 11 which indicates ovulation (yay!) but is MUCH lower than during my last cycle (during which the level was 30). Without having a medical degree myself, my educated guess is that the test was done a lot earlier this time. Last cycle I got a positive OPK on a Saturday and went in for the blood test on the following Friday. This time I got a positive OPK on Monday and went in on Friday. So it was two days "closer" to ovulation. In any case I don't think it matters all that much as I am now on progesterone supplements anyway.

However, if my ovulation was either the day after the positive or two days after the positive then I am thinking I am 5-6 dpo right now. My doctor said to come in on Friday for a beta, which would mean I would be 9-10 dpo. This just seemed to early for my comfort. I know that its possible to get a positive (certainly a positive beta) at 9-10 dpo but given what happened last time I just don't want to worry about low levels and all that. So waiting until Monday will make me feel better with the result but it prolongs the agonizing wait! Hence the self-inflicted insanity for sanity!!

Just to add to the insanity, here is my start of the "symptom" list:

4-5 dpo: Crampy feeling, heartburn (though I have been eating like shite), not sleeping well
5-6 dpo: Crampy, heartburn, still not sleeping well

I have now taken 3 100mg progesterone suppositories. I don't think I am having any side-effects (but for the crampiness mentioned on the symptom list, oh yeah and the itching!!). No sore breasts yet...

So far, so ok?!

I have been meaning to make time to write about how this cycle is going and how I am feeling about things but work is so darn busy!

Today is day 21 and I finally got a positive reading via OPK on day 19. So I should have ovulated either yesterday or today. Needless to say there has been a lot of lovin' in our house these past few days.

I am a little concerned about how late it is in the cycle. I know its not terribly late but I wonder whether the egg quality is affected by the later ovulation. Last cycle I got a positive OPK on day 17 so its only two days later.

On Friday I will go in for bloodwork to test my progesterone levels to see if ovulation actually occurred. I will also start progesterone (vag supplements) on Friday as well. So keep your fingers crossed that Y's sperm are busy violating my egg! (yikes that sounds yucky).

So now the dreaded 2 week wait begins, though with things as busy as they are it should go by quickly.

In other related news, the toll of pregnant coworkers had grown to 14!! I work in a smallish company and this is definitely the highest number of people in this office to be expecting ever. I kid you not there has been less than 14 births in the company probably in the last 5 years total...

The calm before the storm

My last post feels like forever ago even though it was only a week. Last week was super busy and a bit stressful at work. I have a ton of projects right now and one is about to kick in to super busy mode. I am quite scared actually. Its a really big deal project for me and could make or break whether I get promoted in December. I feel excited about the project but also feel like I am going to crap my pants just thinking about the amount of work to be done/manage. August will be insanely crazy and I will be potentially be 4-8 weeks pregnant (assuming this cycle works)! Yikes.

Cycle-wise things are going along. Today is day 12 and I finished my Clomid on Friday. Today I start peeing on the OPK stick until that beautiful smiley face shows up. Last cycle I would POTS (pee on the stick) first thing in the morning (per my doctors orders) however, after reading lots of helpful posts/info from all of you (and other Nesties) I feel more comfortable with the accuracy by doing it in the afternoon this time around. However, that requires me to POTS at work. I am really bad at literally peeing on the stick and usually have to pee into a receptacle of sorts and then dip the stick. So I brought a J.ello pudding snack to work and I will eat it, clean the cup, and later this afternoon use it to assist with my peeing.

Thanks for the info re: the monitoring. I did not even end up asking for it because work was so busy last week that I never called the doctor to ask for it. I will call her today to ask about the progesterone as I need to get a prescription for that and figure out when to start taking it.

I have been reading everyones' blogs I just haven't had much time for posting. (Thank god for the Black,berry and the morning/evening commute, nice blog reading time!). I did want to send some positive thoughts out to Chell who is growing a city of eggs and dealing with some awful OHSS. I hope your retrieval goes well tomorrow and that everything works out ok with the fluid/sickness.

Every weekend should be a 3-day one!

Long weekends are so nice. I really think that work weeks should be 4 days and weekends should be 3 days long. People overall would be much happier I think!

We had a nice weekend, watched the Bosto.n Po.ps and fireworks show. The fireworks were really good though after a while there is so much smoke you can't see the fireworks very well. Yesterday we went to Wal,den Pond for a quick swim and relaxed on the shore for a bit. It was really nice.

Today is day 1 of Clomid. It hasn't arrived in the mail yet but should come this morning. Last time on Clomid, I had no side effects so I am hoping for the same this time!

Has anyone ever done a monitored Clomid cycle? How does it work? How often/when were you monitored?

What a lovely surprise!

Yesterday was CD1 of cycle 17!!! It came out of nowhere (temps are still high and no spotting) but it is here and for once welcome!!

I reordered my Clomid (50mg) and will start that on Monday (CD5-9). I really wanted to demand a monitored cycle this time to make sure that my lining isn't thining and have a better idea of how the medication is working but I didn't get to talk to the IF nurse because she is off for the July 4th holiday. I will speak with her on CD 6 but I am not sure if it is too late to begin monitoring.

I also need to ask her about the progesterone and when I will start that.

It feels really great to be back in the swing of things. I am also trying "The Sec.ret" with this cycle (power of positive thinking) so this cycle will work and I will be pregnant with a healthy baby in 4 weeks (or 2 going by fertilization).

Swamped with work :(

Work has gotten insanely busy this past week. It feels like I don't even have time to breathe! I think I need a vacation :)

At least it keeps my mind off this looooong cycle!

Thank you!

Thanks everyone for your perspectives on whether to tell the family. From what it sounds like (which was my gut feeling as well), letting your families know helped you to deal with things. Y and I will definitely be discussing this issue soon!!

On another note, I am starting to get very impatient with this cycle though I know I could still have a long wait ahead. I am on CD36 and AF is no where in sight. I do not even think I have O'ed (and most likely will not). My cycles normally last anywhere from 30-180+ days (with the average being around 60). So I am not really all that far into it yet. I am just hoping that by writing about AF's arrival, it will come!!

Congratulations to Mrs*Girl at Who Needs Patience on her recent BFP!

Come out of the closet?

As you could tell from my last post, we our IF struggles (or even the fact we are TTC) is not known by many and not known at all by our families. This is something that has been on my mind for a few months now. There is a big part of me that feels I will feel the relief that Esther mentioned in her comment to my last post (thank you very much for that insight Esther!). Especially telling my mom. In fact, I would tell my mom in a heartbeat but Y is not comfortable with that yet.

Our families are from the same community and have a lot of mutual friends. Things tend to spread around VERY quickly. If we tell his parents something, usually my parents will know before we have a chance to tell them! Y is not ready to talk with his parents about any of this yet and is concerned that if I tell mine, it will get back to his. I can understand his position.

I think if I said I thought we should tell our parents, Y would agree. I have a few concerns with "coming out".
1. I am afraid of their response. I am worried they will say "just relax" or something equally as stupid and I will be disappointed in telling them.
2. I do not want them to call me every month to check if that was our month. Now the more I think about this, I can simply just tell them not to do this.

The bottom line is that lately I have been feeling more and more as though I want to tell them so we have their support.

If anyone has any personal anecdotes about how telling the family has helped/not helped I would love to hear it.

P.S. Thank you very much Sasha for your lovely dedication!

I need a weekend to recover from my weekend!

We are back home from our weekend trip to see the family. We had a very nice weekend. It was jam packed of course and I am exhausted but we accomplished everything we wanted and saw everyone we wanted so that is good.

I was actually amazed at how I felt this weekend. I expected to be emotional seeing our family on the weekend we were going to tell them the news but I didn't really feel that sad. There was one instance, we took my Father out to breakfast for his birthday/Father's day and the waitress came over with 1 scratch ticket (apparently they were giving scratch tickets to all the Dad's). She gave one to my Dad and didn't say anything to Y. A few minutes later she came over with another one, looked at Y and said "You're not a Dad, are you?" He was a little stunned and just stared at her and said "I guess not". That then prompted my Dad and step-Mom to remark about how they are ready any time and if we are waiting for them to be ready, we can start now. (our families are in the dark about all things TTC related). I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me for a second and then we moved on. Y was pretty shaken but in all handled the day very well.

I was very excited to catch up with the blogosphere last night and see so much positive news!! Congratulations to Kelly at All Aboard, Marley at Make me your vessel, Jen at Maybe if you just relax, Andrea at Andrea in Indiana who all got their long-overdue BFPs this weekend. I can't wait to follow along with the adventures of your next 9 months!

Also a belated congratulations to Tarah at Tarahville and Sasha at IVF do you, and Stephanie at Dragonfly wishes who all recently found out they are expecting!

Let the Dad Dance Begin...

Ahhh Father's day weekend is upon us. As others from "broken" families may be able to attest, this means a weekend full of juggling schedules so that we can spend quality time with many different Dads. There's my father-in-law, my father, my step-father, and of course its always "nice" if I can fit in my grandfather as well. Top it all off with the fact that Sunday is my Dad's birthday and you have a really fun weekend!

In all seriousness, it is nice that Y's family and my family live very close to one another because I know for other people this is not the case and you have to choose one family to visit during holidays and we don't have to do that. So our weekend may be very busy but its nice to be able to see everyone.

Of course this Father's Day has some sadness that comes with it. First, Y is not a Father even though he would love nothing more than to be and on Mother's Day we had just found out the good news that I was expecting, which made him excited for his "first" Father's Day. Second, this was the weekend that we were going to tell our families that we were PG so that is a bit sad. I am feeling ok about everything now but am a little worried about how much the "I wanted a grandchild for Father's Day" comments will sting. As long as I don't burst into tears I will consider the weekend a success!

To all the Dad's and wanna-be Dad's, have a wonderful weekend!

Monday, Monday...and back on the wagon

I am taking a sick day from work today (which really means I am working from home). Y had the flu all weekend and though I haven't gotten it yet, I am tired and worn out from his sickness. I love him dearly but he and I have completely different ways of dealing with being sick. Me? I just want a dark room and to be left alone. Him? Moans and whines like crazy. There isn't a minute that goes by where he isn't either moaning or asking feebly for me to check his temperature or some other request. I admit that I don't deal well with and and could stand to be a little more compassionate!

Yesterday, I recommitted myself to We.ight Wa.tchers. I used WW to lose 35 pounds from Jan-April and was feeling so much better. Since starting the last Clomid cycle I have completely stopped the program and have gained weight back (not sure how much because I am too scared to step on the scale). I also feel like crap most days because of what I have eaten and the fact that I have stopped exercising. So yesterday was my enough is enough day and I started tracking and eating healthfully.

My goal while on this break cycle was to lose 8 pounds. I am going to renew that goal and hopefully keep it going!

Differences in coping

I was at a graduation party for a friend of mine this weekend and a friend of mine from high school, "E", who has been dealing IF since Sept. 2006 was also there. E has severe endo and is currently on 6 months of Lu.pron to try and reduce the endo and therefore cannot try again until September.

A third friend is one of those EXTREMELY fertile people. She has a 3 year old and 10month old identical twins. She commented yesterday that the 3 year old was conceived on the "second try" and the twins on the first try. In reality, she was not trying for either. The 3 year old was conceived on the second time she hooked up with the father.

Anyway, I realized through the course of the party that E copes much differently than I (and many other IFers) do. She could not get enough of the twins and spent the entire party holding/feeding/etc. them. She was not bitter and talked so hopefully about September. She said numerous times that come September everything will be fine and she will have one of her own.

I was so taken by her attitude and the way she copes. Her optimism was impressive especially given all she has been through (I would go as far as to call her naiive about the whole situation but thats just my cynicism coming through). I really hope that this Lu.pron course works for her and she is an IF success story soon!

Dealing with fertile friends

The past 6 months have been very fertile for everyone around me it seems! The first was a friend of mine who announced her PG in October just as we were starting to take steps to deal with our inability to get PG.

Next at Christmas my cousin and his wife announced their PG. They got PG their second month of trying.

Then another friend announced her PG that occurred on their first try and another cousin followed soon after also her first month of trying.

I have a good friend who started TTC a few months after us and we talked about our questions and struggles a lot throughout the months. She is now 15weeks PG.

I really didn't feel the sad/angry/jealous feelings that I know some people with IF feel when hearing how easy it is for others. However, there are three exceptions to this.

First if I see a PG stranger I am really bothered by it. This makes no sense to me. I have no idea what their story is and it really doesn't even matter. I want what they have and wouldn't want poeple looking at me feeling bitter/sad/angry. So why do I feel that?

Second and third is that I there are two couples (one good friend and the other my step-bro and his wife) that started TTC in May. Just the thought of them getting PG before us hurts. So why are they different than all our friends/family mentioned above? I have been asking myself that recently.

I think for my friend the reason is that they were initially going to wait 3 years before starting. But when myself, our other good friend, and her sister all started she decided to start. This isn't really a good reason but its all I got.

With my brother, its more simple. I want to be the first in my family. Again its an ugly reason but its true. They are a great couple, recently got married and had a beautiful wedding, it just feels like everything falls right into place for them. Which is great. I just wish that for us as well!!

Anyway, really there is no point to this post other than to finally "say" out loud what I have been feeling inside. It may be ugly but its true. Any tips or effective ways to manage these feelings are most welcome!!

Life goes on...

Not much is really new here. We are just in a waiting pattern for the next cycle to come around. I am charting just to see if I by some miracle will ovulate myself or more likely just to see if I can tell when AF is about to arrive. So far nothing but its only Day 14.

In life outside of IF (if there is such a thing)...we are in the middle of this massive landscaping project at our house. We have a half an acre in our backyard but the previous owners only developed a small portion of it and left the rest in its natural state. On the part they developed there was a small area of grass right after our deck and then an area full of crushed rocks and a children's play house. We wanted to make the entire backyard a nice grassy yard. So we rented some heavy equipment over Memorial Day weekend and got busy digging up big rocks and tree stumps and trying to level things out. We also had two dump trucks of dirt dropped in a big pile on the side of our house. Being fools, we thought we could get everything done in one day (i.e., all the rocks/stumps dug up, the lawn graded, and the dirt spread out everywhere. We didn't even come close!! So for the past two weekends, both Saturday and Sunday (and Monday of Memorial Day) we have spent in the backyard doing very gruelling labor. I am so sore and the thought of another weekend makes me want to cry!!

I keep visualizing the nice big green yard with a hammock in between the trees, etc. to try and get me through the hard labor!!

The aftermath...

After Monday all that was left to do was pretty much wait until the miscarriage would start. I had no idea when that would be as the doctors thought it would have already started given my progesterone levels.

I thought I was doing pretty well with everything. I was of course very sad still but no crying. On Wednesday I was catching up with a good friend (who is also a co-worker). She knew a little about our IF though not all the details. She was asking if I had learned any more and I was telling her some stuff but trying not to mention the miscarriage. She then told me that she had some news...she was 14weeks PG. I managed a heart-felt congrats before bursting into tears. I told her what was really going on and she listened while I talked which felt good. I felt terrible though for discussing it with her when she was PG as I didn't want to freak her out.

I realized then that I was still feeling very upset and unsettled about the whole thing. I was constantly wondering when the miscarriage would begin. I just wanted it to happen so that we could put this cycle behind us and move forward. The doctor had originally said we had to take 3 cycles off from trying but I pushed back because with my irregular cycles I sometimes have only 1 or 2 cycles per year!!

Thankfully the next day (Thursday, at 6weeks 2 days), the miscarriage began. I also went in for my fifth beta on Thursday (HCG was 73...slowly decreasing). I definitely felt better to know that my body was taking care of this naturally. If I had had to have medication or a D&C to take care of this, we would have to wait much longer before trying again.

The miscarriage itself was just like a very heavy period with LOTS of clots (sorry about the TMI). I didn't have any pain and pretty mild cramping.

Its now been two days since the bleeding stopped, which means I am just in a waiting period until my next period begins. The doctor agreed that with my cycles, it is ok to start again with my next period so i am thankful for that. It could happen anywhere from 30 days from now to 100+ and I am hoping for closer to 30!!

Emotionally I am doing ok. I think about it every day and can't help thinking about where we would be if I was still PG. But am hoping this gets better with time.

Friday May 16-Mon May 19: The bad news

I managed to make it to Friday in good spirits. I had no more "symptoms" but no spotting or anything either. My research was inconclusive and some people had very similar story with good news in the end where others had similar story with an unhappy ending.

Sadly however, my beta results on Friday were pretty conclusive that the PG was going to end. My HCG was 92 and my progesterone had fallen to 15. My doctor said that the miscarriage would likely begin over the weekend (though she was off by quite a bit).

They scheduled a fourth beta on Monday as well as a doctors appointment to check for eptopic. I was very sad on Friday night and Saturday, having moments of sobbing in between just generally feeling numb. Y was good at consoling me during the sobbing moments but was in denial himself. He kept doing all this research and trying to find reasons why the numbers were inconclusive. While I didn't want to take away his optimism, I became annoyed with all the research he was doing. On Sunday, I had very sharp pain on one side of abdomen but no miscarriage or spotting.

On Monday I went for my 4th beta and the HCG had fallen to 83 and my progesterone was 6. I went to the doctor and she checked to make sure it wasn't eptopic (which it wasnt). The exam caused me to start spotting and I thought it was the beginning of the miscarriage but the spotting went away a few hours after my appointment.

I spent the afternoon at home taking a nice hot bath and drinking lots of wine.

Tues May 13-Wed May 14: The doubt and worrying

On Tuesday morning I woke up feeling totally different than I had on Monday....I felt nothing. Did not feel PG, did not feel like AF was going to start nothing. At first I didn't think anything of it. I knew that many people feel absolutely nothing in early PG and that it can change day to day. But by noontime I just had a really bad feeling. So I did what any infertile person would do...research on Dr. Google and obsessively reading message boards.

It didn't take me long to realize that my progesterone levels were on the low side. My level was 29 one week after ovulation and had fallen to 21 at the first beta. I don't think that is totally bad but it wasn't great. Below 20 is usually considered a bad sign for a PG. At this point I began to worry. Of course, Y thought I was being ridiculous and that I was worrying for nothing. I was really hoping he was right.

On Wednesday I repeated the beta and then waited (for what seemed like an eternity) for the results. I again had no symptoms and felt nothing.

On Monday, the nurse had called at 12:30 with the results. On Wednesday 12:30 came and went and I was getting more and more worried. At 1:30, I lost it at work and began sobbing. I have no idea why but the waiting was killing me and I just knew inside something wasn't right. Finally at 3:30, the nurse called and said that the numbers hadn't increased the way that they would like. My level was 63 and it should have been above 90. But she said that this early, it can take longer to double and that these results mean nothing other than I need to come in for a 3rd beta on Friday. My progesterone was still 21.

Strangely I felt a little better after hearing this. I knew the results weren't great but it felt better just to know something. I tried to be positive and hopeful for Friday.

Sat May 10-Mon May 12: The good news!

Remember on Friday I had a bunch of symptoms that could be either AF-related or PG-related (aren't they all??), I had spotting, and I had an inconclusive PG test at 13dpo...

At the advice of most of you and the infertility nurse at my doctors, I bought a digital test on Friday night to use with first morning urine on Saturday morning (the day before mother's day). We were staying at my parent's house on Friday night since Saturday my brother was graduating from college. I had a very vivid dream early Saturday morning that I was taking the test and it was postive. The dream was so vivid that it took me a little while when I woke up to realize I hadn't actually taken the test. So I quietly got up and went to the bathroom and took the test. It didn't take very long for the "Pregnant" to come up. I immediately felt numb--I was a little shocked, a little scared, and a lot dumbstruck as to what to do next. I walked over to my husband's room (yes, we sleep in separate rooms at my parents. not because of any prudish reason just because the beds are so small and uncomfortable that we sleep better this way!). We obviously were both happy but were wondering as to what the spotting meant and what to do next.

Around 10am I called the infertility nurse on call and told her the news. She said to take it easy for the weekend, no lifting and no se.x and to come in first thing Monday morning for a beta (quantitative test of the HCG and progesterone levels in my blood). I followed those orders and the spotting seemed to go away. On Sunday (Mother's day), I went out and bought some PG books (What to Eat When Expecting, Your Pregnancy Week by Week). I felt like it was too early to do that but couldn't stop myself.

On Monday I went in for the beta and felt lots of "symptoms" that day. My boo.bs were really sore, I was tired and crampy but the spotting had stopped. The nurse called later in the afternoon with the good news that my HCG was 47 and my progesterone was 21. She said to come in on Wednesday for another one to make sure the levels were doubling/increasing appropriately.

Now I misheard the nurse when she called and thought she said my levels were 487 not 47. So of course I went to BetaBase and other sites and quickly learned that 487 was a GREAT number! Well above the average for 15-16dpo. I didn't look at average progesterone levels until the next day...

Long overdue (and sad) update...

Well I know my last post left things hanging and part of me has really wanted to update since but part of me just couldn't face it. To cut to the punchline first...I was pregnant and subsequently miscarried. Its been very hard dealing with this and I have mostly taken the avoidance approach where I avoid talking about it, avoid things TTC and PG related, etc. though I have had moments where all I want to do is discuss it.

I have decided that it will be helpful for me to write out the story of what happened. I have been wanting to for a while but was to scared to really deal with it. I think I will break it up into different posts though otherwise it will be waayyyy too long.

Over or not over? That is the question

Why does this all have to be so confusing!?!

On Wednesday (10-11dpo) I had some spotting. It was just a tinge of red on the paper after going to the bathroom. I had no idea whether it was the beginning of the end or implantation spotting. I of course fanatically checked the paper for the remainder of the day and there was really nothing there.

On Thursday (11-12dpo) in the morning there was a slight brownish tinge. Later in the morning, I went again and this time while going there were red drips of blood filling the toilet. I was convinced this was probably meaning the end. However, all afternoon and evening after this...nothing was there.

So this morning I decided to take a PG test. I wasn't planning on testing this early (my doctor advised waiting until today to test but I wanted to wait until Monday). I had one lonely test left over (non-digital). What were the results??? Well that is a good question! Given it was non-digital, I was playing the game of are there two lines or just one...There definitely was one dark control line and there was a hint of a second line. Now I know a line is a line but this line was so light if left you to second guess what it looked like before I had peed and maybe that hint of blue was always there...ugh!

So now I have no idea what is going on. Is this a chemical PG? Is it a negative? I suppose I should get a digital test and retry. However we are headed up to my parents tonight and I really don't want to test tomorrow morning at their house.

Stay tuned...

Rough start

My blogging got off to a rough start because I couldn't figure out how to format posts properly. But I am going to try again.

I am currently 9-10dpo (there is a disagreement between Fertility Friend's O date and my assessment of the O date). This cycle I was on Clomid 50mg cycle days 5-9. I had no side effects whatsoever, which on the one hand is fantastic and on the other had me questioning whether it was even working (ahh just one of the many joys of IF). However, my post-ovulation blood work came back with all signs indicating it worked! My p4 levels were 29 (above 10 is what they like to see).

So now I am in the 2 week wait. I analyze every little twinge and completely drive myself nuts. But because I want to preserve what is happening (for the likely event that I will want this for comparison later) here are my "symptoms":

1. Whole lotta cramps: started around 5dpo. At first they were more stabbing and sharp then my normal period cramps but since 8dp they have been as dull as can be and feel JUST like period cramps.
2. Sore boo-bs: They are not terribly sore but get more sore at night. I can still touch them and all but at night it hurts if Y hugs me to tightly.
3. Dizziness: I was dizzy yesterday (9dpo). It would happen when i stand up. Though in full disclosure I think I was dehydrated.
4. Nausea: Just very light nausea at 7dpo.
5. Constantly feel like my period has just started. This has me running to the bathroom every 10 minutes to check and so far nothing.
6. Temperatures: Are still high. They fell yesterday at 9dpo but were still above the coverline and were back up a little today. Again in full disclosure my thermometer sucks.
7. Could drink an ocean and still want more salt. This has been the case since 7dpo.
   

In the beginning...

Welcome to my blog!

This is my first blogging experience so here's to hoping you find my story interesting.

Who I am and how I got here: I am 28 and live in lovely New England. I met my husband (we'll call him Y) when I was a young child (age 8) at a wedding. It was instant puppy love for me but not so much for him. I was the cootie-infested girl that wouldn't stop chasing him.

Ten years later... I am in college at an all women's college in New England and out of the blue get an email from someone I haven't thought about since that wedding long ago. Y is asking if I would like to chat on the phone and potentially get together the next time I am in our home state. And so our courtship began.

Seven years later... I marry Y on the rainiest (more like a monsoon) day in October. It was still a wonderful day!

Two years later (15 months ago)... We start trying to have our first baby (Feb 07). I had been diagnosed with PCOS in 2004 after an annual physical with a brand new primary care doctor. She walked in the room and asked when my last period was. I said I hardly ever get periods and she said given your facial hair and excess weight, I am thinking you have PCOS. This was later confirmed. So back to the baby-making, we knew that it might not be easy. I started eating fewer simple carbs and working out more regularly and while I did not lose any weight but by September my periods started coming a little more often (every 60 days rather than every 5 months). Still no baby though. In January, I spoke with my OB about making a plan. We started testing, CD3 bloodwork indicated PCOS but otherwise looked fine, Y's sperm analysis was great, and my HCG showed all clear. So now the answer is some fertility help, which I will elaborate on in the next post. Other interesting things about me: I am an economist and love my job though it is demanding at times and the hours can be long. Since January I have been on We.ight Wa.tchers and have lost 35 pounds!! So you might see some posts about the struggles with weight loss.