Work has gotten insanely busy this past week. It feels like I don't even have time to breathe! I think I need a vacation :)
At least it keeps my mind off this looooong cycle!
Monday, June 30, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Thank you!
Thanks everyone for your perspectives on whether to tell the family. From what it sounds like (which was my gut feeling as well), letting your families know helped you to deal with things. Y and I will definitely be discussing this issue soon!!
On another note, I am starting to get very impatient with this cycle though I know I could still have a long wait ahead. I am on CD36 and AF is no where in sight. I do not even think I have O'ed (and most likely will not). My cycles normally last anywhere from 30-180+ days (with the average being around 60). So I am not really all that far into it yet. I am just hoping that by writing about AF's arrival, it will come!!
Congratulations to Mrs*Girl at Who Needs Patience on her recent BFP!
On another note, I am starting to get very impatient with this cycle though I know I could still have a long wait ahead. I am on CD36 and AF is no where in sight. I do not even think I have O'ed (and most likely will not). My cycles normally last anywhere from 30-180+ days (with the average being around 60). So I am not really all that far into it yet. I am just hoping that by writing about AF's arrival, it will come!!
Congratulations to Mrs*Girl at Who Needs Patience on her recent BFP!
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Come out of the closet?
As you could tell from my last post, we our IF struggles (or even the fact we are TTC) is not known by many and not known at all by our families. This is something that has been on my mind for a few months now. There is a big part of me that feels I will feel the relief that Esther mentioned in her comment to my last post (thank you very much for that insight Esther!). Especially telling my mom. In fact, I would tell my mom in a heartbeat but Y is not comfortable with that yet.
Our families are from the same community and have a lot of mutual friends. Things tend to spread around VERY quickly. If we tell his parents something, usually my parents will know before we have a chance to tell them! Y is not ready to talk with his parents about any of this yet and is concerned that if I tell mine, it will get back to his. I can understand his position.
I think if I said I thought we should tell our parents, Y would agree. I have a few concerns with "coming out".
1. I am afraid of their response. I am worried they will say "just relax" or something equally as stupid and I will be disappointed in telling them.
2. I do not want them to call me every month to check if that was our month. Now the more I think about this, I can simply just tell them not to do this.
The bottom line is that lately I have been feeling more and more as though I want to tell them so we have their support.
If anyone has any personal anecdotes about how telling the family has helped/not helped I would love to hear it.
P.S. Thank you very much Sasha for your lovely dedication!
Our families are from the same community and have a lot of mutual friends. Things tend to spread around VERY quickly. If we tell his parents something, usually my parents will know before we have a chance to tell them! Y is not ready to talk with his parents about any of this yet and is concerned that if I tell mine, it will get back to his. I can understand his position.
I think if I said I thought we should tell our parents, Y would agree. I have a few concerns with "coming out".
1. I am afraid of their response. I am worried they will say "just relax" or something equally as stupid and I will be disappointed in telling them.
2. I do not want them to call me every month to check if that was our month. Now the more I think about this, I can simply just tell them not to do this.
The bottom line is that lately I have been feeling more and more as though I want to tell them so we have their support.
If anyone has any personal anecdotes about how telling the family has helped/not helped I would love to hear it.
P.S. Thank you very much Sasha for your lovely dedication!
Monday, June 16, 2008
I need a weekend to recover from my weekend!
We are back home from our weekend trip to see the family. We had a very nice weekend. It was jam packed of course and I am exhausted but we accomplished everything we wanted and saw everyone we wanted so that is good.
I was actually amazed at how I felt this weekend. I expected to be emotional seeing our family on the weekend we were going to tell them the news but I didn't really feel that sad. There was one instance, we took my Father out to breakfast for his birthday/Father's day and the waitress came over with 1 scratch ticket (apparently they were giving scratch tickets to all the Dad's). She gave one to my Dad and didn't say anything to Y. A few minutes later she came over with another one, looked at Y and said "You're not a Dad, are you?" He was a little stunned and just stared at her and said "I guess not". That then prompted my Dad and step-Mom to remark about how they are ready any time and if we are waiting for them to be ready, we can start now. (our families are in the dark about all things TTC related). I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me for a second and then we moved on. Y was pretty shaken but in all handled the day very well.
I was very excited to catch up with the blogosphere last night and see so much positive news!! Congratulations to Kelly at All Aboard, Marley at Make me your vessel, Jen at Maybe if you just relax, Andrea at Andrea in Indiana who all got their long-overdue BFPs this weekend. I can't wait to follow along with the adventures of your next 9 months!
Also a belated congratulations to Tarah at Tarahville and Sasha at IVF do you, and Stephanie at Dragonfly wishes who all recently found out they are expecting!
I was actually amazed at how I felt this weekend. I expected to be emotional seeing our family on the weekend we were going to tell them the news but I didn't really feel that sad. There was one instance, we took my Father out to breakfast for his birthday/Father's day and the waitress came over with 1 scratch ticket (apparently they were giving scratch tickets to all the Dad's). She gave one to my Dad and didn't say anything to Y. A few minutes later she came over with another one, looked at Y and said "You're not a Dad, are you?" He was a little stunned and just stared at her and said "I guess not". That then prompted my Dad and step-Mom to remark about how they are ready any time and if we are waiting for them to be ready, we can start now. (our families are in the dark about all things TTC related). I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me for a second and then we moved on. Y was pretty shaken but in all handled the day very well.
I was very excited to catch up with the blogosphere last night and see so much positive news!! Congratulations to Kelly at All Aboard, Marley at Make me your vessel, Jen at Maybe if you just relax, Andrea at Andrea in Indiana who all got their long-overdue BFPs this weekend. I can't wait to follow along with the adventures of your next 9 months!
Also a belated congratulations to Tarah at Tarahville and Sasha at IVF do you, and Stephanie at Dragonfly wishes who all recently found out they are expecting!
Friday, June 13, 2008
Let the Dad Dance Begin...
Ahhh Father's day weekend is upon us. As others from "broken" families may be able to attest, this means a weekend full of juggling schedules so that we can spend quality time with many different Dads. There's my father-in-law, my father, my step-father, and of course its always "nice" if I can fit in my grandfather as well. Top it all off with the fact that Sunday is my Dad's birthday and you have a really fun weekend!
In all seriousness, it is nice that Y's family and my family live very close to one another because I know for other people this is not the case and you have to choose one family to visit during holidays and we don't have to do that. So our weekend may be very busy but its nice to be able to see everyone.
Of course this Father's Day has some sadness that comes with it. First, Y is not a Father even though he would love nothing more than to be and on Mother's Day we had just found out the good news that I was expecting, which made him excited for his "first" Father's Day. Second, this was the weekend that we were going to tell our families that we were PG so that is a bit sad. I am feeling ok about everything now but am a little worried about how much the "I wanted a grandchild for Father's Day" comments will sting. As long as I don't burst into tears I will consider the weekend a success!
To all the Dad's and wanna-be Dad's, have a wonderful weekend!
In all seriousness, it is nice that Y's family and my family live very close to one another because I know for other people this is not the case and you have to choose one family to visit during holidays and we don't have to do that. So our weekend may be very busy but its nice to be able to see everyone.
Of course this Father's Day has some sadness that comes with it. First, Y is not a Father even though he would love nothing more than to be and on Mother's Day we had just found out the good news that I was expecting, which made him excited for his "first" Father's Day. Second, this was the weekend that we were going to tell our families that we were PG so that is a bit sad. I am feeling ok about everything now but am a little worried about how much the "I wanted a grandchild for Father's Day" comments will sting. As long as I don't burst into tears I will consider the weekend a success!
To all the Dad's and wanna-be Dad's, have a wonderful weekend!
Monday, June 9, 2008
Monday, Monday...and back on the wagon
I am taking a sick day from work today (which really means I am working from home). Y had the flu all weekend and though I haven't gotten it yet, I am tired and worn out from his sickness. I love him dearly but he and I have completely different ways of dealing with being sick. Me? I just want a dark room and to be left alone. Him? Moans and whines like crazy. There isn't a minute that goes by where he isn't either moaning or asking feebly for me to check his temperature or some other request. I admit that I don't deal well with and and could stand to be a little more compassionate!
Yesterday, I recommitted myself to We.ight Wa.tchers. I used WW to lose 35 pounds from Jan-April and was feeling so much better. Since starting the last Clomid cycle I have completely stopped the program and have gained weight back (not sure how much because I am too scared to step on the scale). I also feel like crap most days because of what I have eaten and the fact that I have stopped exercising. So yesterday was my enough is enough day and I started tracking and eating healthfully.
My goal while on this break cycle was to lose 8 pounds. I am going to renew that goal and hopefully keep it going!
Yesterday, I recommitted myself to We.ight Wa.tchers. I used WW to lose 35 pounds from Jan-April and was feeling so much better. Since starting the last Clomid cycle I have completely stopped the program and have gained weight back (not sure how much because I am too scared to step on the scale). I also feel like crap most days because of what I have eaten and the fact that I have stopped exercising. So yesterday was my enough is enough day and I started tracking and eating healthfully.
My goal while on this break cycle was to lose 8 pounds. I am going to renew that goal and hopefully keep it going!
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Differences in coping
I was at a graduation party for a friend of mine this weekend and a friend of mine from high school, "E", who has been dealing IF since Sept. 2006 was also there. E has severe endo and is currently on 6 months of Lu.pron to try and reduce the endo and therefore cannot try again until September.
A third friend is one of those EXTREMELY fertile people. She has a 3 year old and 10month old identical twins. She commented yesterday that the 3 year old was conceived on the "second try" and the twins on the first try. In reality, she was not trying for either. The 3 year old was conceived on the second time she hooked up with the father.
Anyway, I realized through the course of the party that E copes much differently than I (and many other IFers) do. She could not get enough of the twins and spent the entire party holding/feeding/etc. them. She was not bitter and talked so hopefully about September. She said numerous times that come September everything will be fine and she will have one of her own.
I was so taken by her attitude and the way she copes. Her optimism was impressive especially given all she has been through (I would go as far as to call her naiive about the whole situation but thats just my cynicism coming through). I really hope that this Lu.pron course works for her and she is an IF success story soon!
A third friend is one of those EXTREMELY fertile people. She has a 3 year old and 10month old identical twins. She commented yesterday that the 3 year old was conceived on the "second try" and the twins on the first try. In reality, she was not trying for either. The 3 year old was conceived on the second time she hooked up with the father.
Anyway, I realized through the course of the party that E copes much differently than I (and many other IFers) do. She could not get enough of the twins and spent the entire party holding/feeding/etc. them. She was not bitter and talked so hopefully about September. She said numerous times that come September everything will be fine and she will have one of her own.
I was so taken by her attitude and the way she copes. Her optimism was impressive especially given all she has been through (I would go as far as to call her naiive about the whole situation but thats just my cynicism coming through). I really hope that this Lu.pron course works for her and she is an IF success story soon!
Friday, June 6, 2008
Dealing with fertile friends
The past 6 months have been very fertile for everyone around me it seems! The first was a friend of mine who announced her PG in October just as we were starting to take steps to deal with our inability to get PG.
Next at Christmas my cousin and his wife announced their PG. They got PG their second month of trying.
Then another friend announced her PG that occurred on their first try and another cousin followed soon after also her first month of trying.
I have a good friend who started TTC a few months after us and we talked about our questions and struggles a lot throughout the months. She is now 15weeks PG.
I really didn't feel the sad/angry/jealous feelings that I know some people with IF feel when hearing how easy it is for others. However, there are three exceptions to this.
First if I see a PG stranger I am really bothered by it. This makes no sense to me. I have no idea what their story is and it really doesn't even matter. I want what they have and wouldn't want poeple looking at me feeling bitter/sad/angry. So why do I feel that?
Second and third is that I there are two couples (one good friend and the other my step-bro and his wife) that started TTC in May. Just the thought of them getting PG before us hurts. So why are they different than all our friends/family mentioned above? I have been asking myself that recently.
I think for my friend the reason is that they were initially going to wait 3 years before starting. But when myself, our other good friend, and her sister all started she decided to start. This isn't really a good reason but its all I got.
With my brother, its more simple. I want to be the first in my family. Again its an ugly reason but its true. They are a great couple, recently got married and had a beautiful wedding, it just feels like everything falls right into place for them. Which is great. I just wish that for us as well!!
Anyway, really there is no point to this post other than to finally "say" out loud what I have been feeling inside. It may be ugly but its true. Any tips or effective ways to manage these feelings are most welcome!!
Next at Christmas my cousin and his wife announced their PG. They got PG their second month of trying.
Then another friend announced her PG that occurred on their first try and another cousin followed soon after also her first month of trying.
I have a good friend who started TTC a few months after us and we talked about our questions and struggles a lot throughout the months. She is now 15weeks PG.
I really didn't feel the sad/angry/jealous feelings that I know some people with IF feel when hearing how easy it is for others. However, there are three exceptions to this.
First if I see a PG stranger I am really bothered by it. This makes no sense to me. I have no idea what their story is and it really doesn't even matter. I want what they have and wouldn't want poeple looking at me feeling bitter/sad/angry. So why do I feel that?
Second and third is that I there are two couples (one good friend and the other my step-bro and his wife) that started TTC in May. Just the thought of them getting PG before us hurts. So why are they different than all our friends/family mentioned above? I have been asking myself that recently.
I think for my friend the reason is that they were initially going to wait 3 years before starting. But when myself, our other good friend, and her sister all started she decided to start. This isn't really a good reason but its all I got.
With my brother, its more simple. I want to be the first in my family. Again its an ugly reason but its true. They are a great couple, recently got married and had a beautiful wedding, it just feels like everything falls right into place for them. Which is great. I just wish that for us as well!!
Anyway, really there is no point to this post other than to finally "say" out loud what I have been feeling inside. It may be ugly but its true. Any tips or effective ways to manage these feelings are most welcome!!
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Life goes on...
Not much is really new here. We are just in a waiting pattern for the next cycle to come around. I am charting just to see if I by some miracle will ovulate myself or more likely just to see if I can tell when AF is about to arrive. So far nothing but its only Day 14.
In life outside of IF (if there is such a thing)...we are in the middle of this massive landscaping project at our house. We have a half an acre in our backyard but the previous owners only developed a small portion of it and left the rest in its natural state. On the part they developed there was a small area of grass right after our deck and then an area full of crushed rocks and a children's play house. We wanted to make the entire backyard a nice grassy yard. So we rented some heavy equipment over Memorial Day weekend and got busy digging up big rocks and tree stumps and trying to level things out. We also had two dump trucks of dirt dropped in a big pile on the side of our house. Being fools, we thought we could get everything done in one day (i.e., all the rocks/stumps dug up, the lawn graded, and the dirt spread out everywhere. We didn't even come close!! So for the past two weekends, both Saturday and Sunday (and Monday of Memorial Day) we have spent in the backyard doing very gruelling labor. I am so sore and the thought of another weekend makes me want to cry!!
I keep visualizing the nice big green yard with a hammock in between the trees, etc. to try and get me through the hard labor!!
In life outside of IF (if there is such a thing)...we are in the middle of this massive landscaping project at our house. We have a half an acre in our backyard but the previous owners only developed a small portion of it and left the rest in its natural state. On the part they developed there was a small area of grass right after our deck and then an area full of crushed rocks and a children's play house. We wanted to make the entire backyard a nice grassy yard. So we rented some heavy equipment over Memorial Day weekend and got busy digging up big rocks and tree stumps and trying to level things out. We also had two dump trucks of dirt dropped in a big pile on the side of our house. Being fools, we thought we could get everything done in one day (i.e., all the rocks/stumps dug up, the lawn graded, and the dirt spread out everywhere. We didn't even come close!! So for the past two weekends, both Saturday and Sunday (and Monday of Memorial Day) we have spent in the backyard doing very gruelling labor. I am so sore and the thought of another weekend makes me want to cry!!
I keep visualizing the nice big green yard with a hammock in between the trees, etc. to try and get me through the hard labor!!
Monday, June 2, 2008
The aftermath...
After Monday all that was left to do was pretty much wait until the miscarriage would start. I had no idea when that would be as the doctors thought it would have already started given my progesterone levels.
I thought I was doing pretty well with everything. I was of course very sad still but no crying. On Wednesday I was catching up with a good friend (who is also a co-worker). She knew a little about our IF though not all the details. She was asking if I had learned any more and I was telling her some stuff but trying not to mention the miscarriage. She then told me that she had some news...she was 14weeks PG. I managed a heart-felt congrats before bursting into tears. I told her what was really going on and she listened while I talked which felt good. I felt terrible though for discussing it with her when she was PG as I didn't want to freak her out.
I realized then that I was still feeling very upset and unsettled about the whole thing. I was constantly wondering when the miscarriage would begin. I just wanted it to happen so that we could put this cycle behind us and move forward. The doctor had originally said we had to take 3 cycles off from trying but I pushed back because with my irregular cycles I sometimes have only 1 or 2 cycles per year!!
Thankfully the next day (Thursday, at 6weeks 2 days), the miscarriage began. I also went in for my fifth beta on Thursday (HCG was 73...slowly decreasing). I definitely felt better to know that my body was taking care of this naturally. If I had had to have medication or a D&C to take care of this, we would have to wait much longer before trying again.
The miscarriage itself was just like a very heavy period with LOTS of clots (sorry about the TMI). I didn't have any pain and pretty mild cramping.
Its now been two days since the bleeding stopped, which means I am just in a waiting period until my next period begins. The doctor agreed that with my cycles, it is ok to start again with my next period so i am thankful for that. It could happen anywhere from 30 days from now to 100+ and I am hoping for closer to 30!!
Emotionally I am doing ok. I think about it every day and can't help thinking about where we would be if I was still PG. But am hoping this gets better with time.
I thought I was doing pretty well with everything. I was of course very sad still but no crying. On Wednesday I was catching up with a good friend (who is also a co-worker). She knew a little about our IF though not all the details. She was asking if I had learned any more and I was telling her some stuff but trying not to mention the miscarriage. She then told me that she had some news...she was 14weeks PG. I managed a heart-felt congrats before bursting into tears. I told her what was really going on and she listened while I talked which felt good. I felt terrible though for discussing it with her when she was PG as I didn't want to freak her out.
I realized then that I was still feeling very upset and unsettled about the whole thing. I was constantly wondering when the miscarriage would begin. I just wanted it to happen so that we could put this cycle behind us and move forward. The doctor had originally said we had to take 3 cycles off from trying but I pushed back because with my irregular cycles I sometimes have only 1 or 2 cycles per year!!
Thankfully the next day (Thursday, at 6weeks 2 days), the miscarriage began. I also went in for my fifth beta on Thursday (HCG was 73...slowly decreasing). I definitely felt better to know that my body was taking care of this naturally. If I had had to have medication or a D&C to take care of this, we would have to wait much longer before trying again.
The miscarriage itself was just like a very heavy period with LOTS of clots (sorry about the TMI). I didn't have any pain and pretty mild cramping.
Its now been two days since the bleeding stopped, which means I am just in a waiting period until my next period begins. The doctor agreed that with my cycles, it is ok to start again with my next period so i am thankful for that. It could happen anywhere from 30 days from now to 100+ and I am hoping for closer to 30!!
Emotionally I am doing ok. I think about it every day and can't help thinking about where we would be if I was still PG. But am hoping this gets better with time.
Friday May 16-Mon May 19: The bad news
I managed to make it to Friday in good spirits. I had no more "symptoms" but no spotting or anything either. My research was inconclusive and some people had very similar story with good news in the end where others had similar story with an unhappy ending.
Sadly however, my beta results on Friday were pretty conclusive that the PG was going to end. My HCG was 92 and my progesterone had fallen to 15. My doctor said that the miscarriage would likely begin over the weekend (though she was off by quite a bit).
They scheduled a fourth beta on Monday as well as a doctors appointment to check for eptopic. I was very sad on Friday night and Saturday, having moments of sobbing in between just generally feeling numb. Y was good at consoling me during the sobbing moments but was in denial himself. He kept doing all this research and trying to find reasons why the numbers were inconclusive. While I didn't want to take away his optimism, I became annoyed with all the research he was doing. On Sunday, I had very sharp pain on one side of abdomen but no miscarriage or spotting.
On Monday I went for my 4th beta and the HCG had fallen to 83 and my progesterone was 6. I went to the doctor and she checked to make sure it wasn't eptopic (which it wasnt). The exam caused me to start spotting and I thought it was the beginning of the miscarriage but the spotting went away a few hours after my appointment.
I spent the afternoon at home taking a nice hot bath and drinking lots of wine.
Sadly however, my beta results on Friday were pretty conclusive that the PG was going to end. My HCG was 92 and my progesterone had fallen to 15. My doctor said that the miscarriage would likely begin over the weekend (though she was off by quite a bit).
They scheduled a fourth beta on Monday as well as a doctors appointment to check for eptopic. I was very sad on Friday night and Saturday, having moments of sobbing in between just generally feeling numb. Y was good at consoling me during the sobbing moments but was in denial himself. He kept doing all this research and trying to find reasons why the numbers were inconclusive. While I didn't want to take away his optimism, I became annoyed with all the research he was doing. On Sunday, I had very sharp pain on one side of abdomen but no miscarriage or spotting.
On Monday I went for my 4th beta and the HCG had fallen to 83 and my progesterone was 6. I went to the doctor and she checked to make sure it wasn't eptopic (which it wasnt). The exam caused me to start spotting and I thought it was the beginning of the miscarriage but the spotting went away a few hours after my appointment.
I spent the afternoon at home taking a nice hot bath and drinking lots of wine.
Tues May 13-Wed May 14: The doubt and worrying
On Tuesday morning I woke up feeling totally different than I had on Monday....I felt nothing. Did not feel PG, did not feel like AF was going to start nothing. At first I didn't think anything of it. I knew that many people feel absolutely nothing in early PG and that it can change day to day. But by noontime I just had a really bad feeling. So I did what any infertile person would do...research on Dr. Google and obsessively reading message boards.
It didn't take me long to realize that my progesterone levels were on the low side. My level was 29 one week after ovulation and had fallen to 21 at the first beta. I don't think that is totally bad but it wasn't great. Below 20 is usually considered a bad sign for a PG. At this point I began to worry. Of course, Y thought I was being ridiculous and that I was worrying for nothing. I was really hoping he was right.
On Wednesday I repeated the beta and then waited (for what seemed like an eternity) for the results. I again had no symptoms and felt nothing.
On Monday, the nurse had called at 12:30 with the results. On Wednesday 12:30 came and went and I was getting more and more worried. At 1:30, I lost it at work and began sobbing. I have no idea why but the waiting was killing me and I just knew inside something wasn't right. Finally at 3:30, the nurse called and said that the numbers hadn't increased the way that they would like. My level was 63 and it should have been above 90. But she said that this early, it can take longer to double and that these results mean nothing other than I need to come in for a 3rd beta on Friday. My progesterone was still 21.
Strangely I felt a little better after hearing this. I knew the results weren't great but it felt better just to know something. I tried to be positive and hopeful for Friday.
It didn't take me long to realize that my progesterone levels were on the low side. My level was 29 one week after ovulation and had fallen to 21 at the first beta. I don't think that is totally bad but it wasn't great. Below 20 is usually considered a bad sign for a PG. At this point I began to worry. Of course, Y thought I was being ridiculous and that I was worrying for nothing. I was really hoping he was right.
On Wednesday I repeated the beta and then waited (for what seemed like an eternity) for the results. I again had no symptoms and felt nothing.
On Monday, the nurse had called at 12:30 with the results. On Wednesday 12:30 came and went and I was getting more and more worried. At 1:30, I lost it at work and began sobbing. I have no idea why but the waiting was killing me and I just knew inside something wasn't right. Finally at 3:30, the nurse called and said that the numbers hadn't increased the way that they would like. My level was 63 and it should have been above 90. But she said that this early, it can take longer to double and that these results mean nothing other than I need to come in for a 3rd beta on Friday. My progesterone was still 21.
Strangely I felt a little better after hearing this. I knew the results weren't great but it felt better just to know something. I tried to be positive and hopeful for Friday.
Sat May 10-Mon May 12: The good news!
Remember on Friday I had a bunch of symptoms that could be either AF-related or PG-related (aren't they all??), I had spotting, and I had an inconclusive PG test at 13dpo...
At the advice of most of you and the infertility nurse at my doctors, I bought a digital test on Friday night to use with first morning urine on Saturday morning (the day before mother's day). We were staying at my parent's house on Friday night since Saturday my brother was graduating from college. I had a very vivid dream early Saturday morning that I was taking the test and it was postive. The dream was so vivid that it took me a little while when I woke up to realize I hadn't actually taken the test. So I quietly got up and went to the bathroom and took the test. It didn't take very long for the "Pregnant" to come up. I immediately felt numb--I was a little shocked, a little scared, and a lot dumbstruck as to what to do next. I walked over to my husband's room (yes, we sleep in separate rooms at my parents. not because of any prudish reason just because the beds are so small and uncomfortable that we sleep better this way!). We obviously were both happy but were wondering as to what the spotting meant and what to do next.
Around 10am I called the infertility nurse on call and told her the news. She said to take it easy for the weekend, no lifting and no se.x and to come in first thing Monday morning for a beta (quantitative test of the HCG and progesterone levels in my blood). I followed those orders and the spotting seemed to go away. On Sunday (Mother's day), I went out and bought some PG books (What to Eat When Expecting, Your Pregnancy Week by Week). I felt like it was too early to do that but couldn't stop myself.
On Monday I went in for the beta and felt lots of "symptoms" that day. My boo.bs were really sore, I was tired and crampy but the spotting had stopped. The nurse called later in the afternoon with the good news that my HCG was 47 and my progesterone was 21. She said to come in on Wednesday for another one to make sure the levels were doubling/increasing appropriately.
Now I misheard the nurse when she called and thought she said my levels were 487 not 47. So of course I went to BetaBase and other sites and quickly learned that 487 was a GREAT number! Well above the average for 15-16dpo. I didn't look at average progesterone levels until the next day...
At the advice of most of you and the infertility nurse at my doctors, I bought a digital test on Friday night to use with first morning urine on Saturday morning (the day before mother's day). We were staying at my parent's house on Friday night since Saturday my brother was graduating from college. I had a very vivid dream early Saturday morning that I was taking the test and it was postive. The dream was so vivid that it took me a little while when I woke up to realize I hadn't actually taken the test. So I quietly got up and went to the bathroom and took the test. It didn't take very long for the "Pregnant" to come up. I immediately felt numb--I was a little shocked, a little scared, and a lot dumbstruck as to what to do next. I walked over to my husband's room (yes, we sleep in separate rooms at my parents. not because of any prudish reason just because the beds are so small and uncomfortable that we sleep better this way!). We obviously were both happy but were wondering as to what the spotting meant and what to do next.
Around 10am I called the infertility nurse on call and told her the news. She said to take it easy for the weekend, no lifting and no se.x and to come in first thing Monday morning for a beta (quantitative test of the HCG and progesterone levels in my blood). I followed those orders and the spotting seemed to go away. On Sunday (Mother's day), I went out and bought some PG books (What to Eat When Expecting, Your Pregnancy Week by Week). I felt like it was too early to do that but couldn't stop myself.
On Monday I went in for the beta and felt lots of "symptoms" that day. My boo.bs were really sore, I was tired and crampy but the spotting had stopped. The nurse called later in the afternoon with the good news that my HCG was 47 and my progesterone was 21. She said to come in on Wednesday for another one to make sure the levels were doubling/increasing appropriately.
Now I misheard the nurse when she called and thought she said my levels were 487 not 47. So of course I went to BetaBase and other sites and quickly learned that 487 was a GREAT number! Well above the average for 15-16dpo. I didn't look at average progesterone levels until the next day...
Long overdue (and sad) update...
Well I know my last post left things hanging and part of me has really wanted to update since but part of me just couldn't face it. To cut to the punchline first...I was pregnant and subsequently miscarried. Its been very hard dealing with this and I have mostly taken the avoidance approach where I avoid talking about it, avoid things TTC and PG related, etc. though I have had moments where all I want to do is discuss it.
I have decided that it will be helpful for me to write out the story of what happened. I have been wanting to for a while but was to scared to really deal with it. I think I will break it up into different posts though otherwise it will be waayyyy too long.
I have decided that it will be helpful for me to write out the story of what happened. I have been wanting to for a while but was to scared to really deal with it. I think I will break it up into different posts though otherwise it will be waayyyy too long.
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