An analogy to small envelope, big envelope...

Beta #2 day. How I hate this day.

Having now had "good" news delivered three times by my doctor following a beta and 4+ times receiving bad news (all the second and third betas), I felt I had enough of a sample to try and tease out a pattern. And a pattern I found...

Remember when you were applying to colleges and would incessantly check the mailbox every afternoon? Everyone knew that you could pretty much determine the difference from the size of the envelope. Small normal sized letter...."We regret to inform you that you have not been offered a place in the Class of XXXX. There were so many deserving candidates this year and we could not offer a place to everyone. Best of luck." Large thick envelope..."Congratulations! We are very pleased to offer you a spot in the Class of XXXX. Your academic acheivements are outstanding and we believe you will have great success here at University of X"

What does this have to do with my beta results? Well the pattern I found was that the good news calls always came in early in the day (between 12 and 1:30) and the bad news calls always came in late in the day (after 3). This made logical sense to me seeing that the bad news calls first need Dr. input and getting a hold of the Dr. takes time! So on Monday I had convinced myself that if the phone did not ring before 2pm, it was NOT GOOD.

12:30 comes and goes...
1:00 comes and goes...
1:30 come and goes...shit I can't believe I am headed for m/c#3.

1:46...phone rings. Its the doctors phone number. As the phone rings, I am paralyzed thinking this is in the middle of the good and the bad news time zones. What does this mean??? I finally snap myself out of it and answer the damn phone. And?

Nurse...."Hi LanY, I actually have good news for you"
LanY...."I am sorry you must have the wrong chart"
Nurse...."No, its yours I promise. Your beta doubled"
LanY...."Really? What was the number" (Of course, I was thinking she can't multiply)
Nurse..."181"

181???!! That is more than double (as it should be since it was 72 hours between betas). I immediately go to betabase and find that yes I am still above the median.

I have never made it this far. I do not know what to do!!

My next beta is Friday (which feels like it will never come). I feel nothing...no sore bb's, no naseua, nothing. I did have some bad AF cramps last night, not sure what to think about that.

Anyway, for now I am in uncharted territory for me. I am trying to be positive and content but it is hard. The DFTs (dead fetus thoughts) keep trying to sneak in...