As you could tell from my last post, we our IF struggles (or even the fact we are TTC) is not known by many and not known at all by our families. This is something that has been on my mind for a few months now. There is a big part of me that feels I will feel the relief that Esther mentioned in her comment to my last post (thank you very much for that insight Esther!). Especially telling my mom. In fact, I would tell my mom in a heartbeat but Y is not comfortable with that yet.
Our families are from the same community and have a lot of mutual friends. Things tend to spread around VERY quickly. If we tell his parents something, usually my parents will know before we have a chance to tell them! Y is not ready to talk with his parents about any of this yet and is concerned that if I tell mine, it will get back to his. I can understand his position.
I think if I said I thought we should tell our parents, Y would agree. I have a few concerns with "coming out".
1. I am afraid of their response. I am worried they will say "just relax" or something equally as stupid and I will be disappointed in telling them.
2. I do not want them to call me every month to check if that was our month. Now the more I think about this, I can simply just tell them not to do this.
The bottom line is that lately I have been feeling more and more as though I want to tell them so we have their support.
If anyone has any personal anecdotes about how telling the family has helped/not helped I would love to hear it.
P.S. Thank you very much Sasha for your lovely dedication!
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Hi LanY,
I've already given you my 2 cents on the subject, so I just wanted to say that I feel for you and that it is a very difficult decision to make. As I alluded to on my last comment, people in our families and friends who we've told have said unhelpful and unfortunate things at times. You're absolutely right to prepare yourself for that, it's going to happen. But I found that my blog has helped many of them understand better what we are going through and how they can be supportive of us. Your family loves you and they want to be there for you ... it might just be a matter some times of telling them what is helpful and what is not. I will be thinking and praying for you as you make this hard decision.
We told everyone after we'd been trying about a year, around the time we were getting diagnosed. I had mainly kept it a secret because I felt like a failure and was embarassed. Once we told, it took away all of that. I felt so much better, and I think people were actually *more* sensitive to making rude comments than they might have been. We used to get "when you have kids you'll understand" a lot from different siblings, and that all stopped.
For the most part people reacted how I would have expected. Some people were super-caring and sweet and others just ignored it.
I agree with Esther about sharing your blog and about telling people what you need. Most people don't instinctively know how to give support to infertility.
GL whatever you decide.
Hey thanks for stopping by earlier.
I have found for me the easiest way to stop the silly comments is to cut them off at the past. When I explain that we are having difficulty, I gently tell people that it is a medical problem, that we are handling the situation with how we feel comfortable, and if they do say something insensitive I try and point outw hy what they said was insensitive or just down right silly. Sometimes I just don't bother and smile and nod.
LanY,
DH and I were in the TTC closet for a long time... Even before we were diagnosed infertile. DH's parents were (and still kind of are) totally against Children. My family has baby fever. We still don't have a happy medium. My family thinks we are going to have a miracle conception.. His family always asks "are you sure you want to do this?"
I finally told them all HOW IT IS. I have been very blunt in letting them know exactly what is going on, that it is DH and my decision, and that they can be involved or not, but we appreciate thier support when given.
It is a pretty tough way to handle it, granted, but I just can't walk on egg shells during this process.
As for my blog... There is no one in my family that has that address! It is my personal place to vent. BUT, that is just me.
Good luck, I hope it goes semi-smooth anyway, because the last thing you need when you are on this journey is added stress.
Such a tough decision... We've told my parents but not my husband's; they don't talk regularly, so it hasn't been an issue. I told my mom because I felt like she was just waiting for me to get pregnant, and I wanted her to cool her jets. But now I have to tell her about every appt, etc. It's a mixed bag, but you'll know the right decision.
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